Trying to decide WHO is telling the truth...

Have you ever been there where you just can't in your mind figure out who is telling the truth about something...Boy have I and you most likely have too..

Well I'm there again and thought maybe you might benefit from this "argument" also.

Guess having a sort of crisis of faith if you will... Life has been really tough for at least past 25 years due to hooking up with the wrong fellow...6.5 years of dating then 16 years of "marriage"...and now 3.5 years of getting out of a bad situation...Thought things would improve and in some ways they have but in other ways things have not. Like financially things are horrific but no different really than when I was married...he went through money like a drunken sailor yet never had any for things I needed spare you the nasty details. Anyways through it all I kept the faith inspite of dark, dark times. Lately it has become very hard to keep that torch lite due to sheer exhaustion. I have found myself wondering if all I've believed was a farce and sweet lie...I have found myself comparing sides wondering which one is the truth. Its been interesting to look at this. On the one side I see from the Bible what a gentle lamb Jesus was...How He healed and comforted. How He raised the widow's only child. How He multiplied the food on the mount for the hungry. How He gave His life innocent though He was for us... The on the other side I see the men who had demons in them who were uncouth, wild living like animals not humans. The fellow that cursed David and threw stones at him. I remember the human sacrifices mentioned to different historical gods. Even child sacrifice. Could the same God who said let the little ones come to me be a bad God? Or is it more like the one who demands the life blood of the most innocent who might be the one who is evil? Might not the one who deceived us in the garden out of jealousy be the evil one, the one not to be trusted and believed? Might the one who today is still seeking the blood of those who follow the Lamb be the one who is the liar? Could it be that even though so much evil and pain seem to follow those who love the Lamb be coming not from God but from the great deceiver who is trying to get us to lose hope because we have believed the lie about who sent the suffering? Could it be that for reasons we cannot understand the Lamb the gentle one be allowing this to pass for some reason that He alone knows and plans on bringing great good from? Is it perhaps simply to test our faith, to purge it in fire, to make us so strong that we persevere till Heaven calls us? These are the questions I have been asking myself. I know in my heart what the correct answers are but in my emotions I struggle. I don't  think that a good God would drag a child from its mothers arms to brutally kill it in front of her...I don't think that a good God wants war, hunger, disease, etc.  I  believe that the great deceiver out of pure jealousy came into this beautiful world with destruction on his mind. How he has succeeded. This world is a very sad and tragic place. Nothing like God envisioned when he created it. It reminds me for those who know Tolkien's work of  Melkor  the great deceiver in the Sil who in the beginning when there was this beautiful symphony caused this great discord due to his interior discord. He out of jealousy created havoc in a beautiful place. I believe it is out of pure jealousy for the promise that awaits all of us but that he walked away from. He doesn't want us to have that promise and he will do whatever he can to keep us from it. It is interesting because the last laugh will be on him when Jesus comes again and reclaims what is rightfully His, the earth. I also know that God will destroy this earth and then recreate it in perfect beauty with no taint of evil ever again...It will be restored to its primal beauty and then some...So while I struggle through this very difficult time I keep the comparisons going because I need to. I need to keep reminding myself who is whispering in my ear. I need to be reminded of what the truth is so that I don't fall into despair. Its not easy I will be honest. I am weary and very vulnerable and yet the Lamb who has compassion will at least be there to hold my hand if not more should I but ask...I must not listen to the great deceiver lest I be lost...I'm sorry but I have every right and desire to spend my eternity with the gentle Lamb. I have no desire to spend my eternity with the vicious, cruel, hateful, angry, deceiver who would spend eternity mocking me for believing his lies...No thanks.

GG